So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

Written by Susan Helmick, Graduate Assistant to the Graduate College  

As my illustrious tenure as GradCurrents’ graduate assistant writer and resident caffeine enthusiast comes to an end, I've opted for a grand finale of unparalleled self-indulgence: an interview with—wait for it—myself. Because honestly, who better to field the tough questions than the person who wrote them? Let’s dive in.

Hi, I’m Susan Helmick, an Olympic-level insomniac and soon-to-be graduate with a Master of Science in Nursing degree. What you would not know about me from the weekly GradCurrents (by the way, thanks for reading!) is I treat nachos as their own food faction and have fervent feelings about what constitutes a flawless cheese-to-chip formula. I also like alliteration.  

What is your secret to making a GradCurrents article sound like it was written after three cups of coffee?

Three cups? That’s adorable. I like my writing process like I like my heart rate – adrenaline fueled and slightly concerning. It's a bit like a game of chicken, where the goal is to see how many cups of coffee I can handle before my nerves start filing complaints. My creative process is best described as “panic-fueled improvisation,” which also happens to characterize my entire approach to grad school and life in general. Why settle for “calm and collected” when you can keep everyone on their toes and constantly questioning your life choices?

Any last words for your successor that don’t include “I told you so”?

You’ve got this… probably. You can always procrastinate, panic and pull it together at the last second - like a true professional. When in doubt, slap a cat meme on it. Trust me, nothing boosts engagement like animal content.

Do you think your successor will appreciate the Oxford comma as much as you do?

I have neither the emotional nor intellectual bandwidth left to perform an intervention about the life-or-death importance of the Oxford comma. It’s literally all that stands between us and a dystopian hellscape where “Let’s eat, Grandma!” becomes “Let’s eat Grandma!” And nobody wants that. At least I hope nobody wants that. 

Did you ever consider adding a “Complaint of the Month” section just to spice things up?

I decided to spare everyone the drama. Instead, I channeled any frustrations into passive-aggressive sticky notes left surreptitiously around campus. It’s more fun that way, and nobody can say I didn’t try to improve the place. In fact, nobody can say I did anything since my name isn’t on them. That said, Procter Hall's vending machine situation makes me feel like I’m auditioning for a role in The Hunger Games. Will they work? And if they do, will they be stocked? Tune in next week to find out that no, no they won’t.

Did you ever consider making the “Did You Know” section purely about your personal trivia?

I’m sure explaining why I have 10 different types of cheese in my fridge would have made for fascinating material (I’m a fan of Feta, Gruyère, and Manchego to name a few) but I didn’t want to distract from the actual content. Also, I’d be lying since I have at least 20 cheese varieties, each used as a specific coping mechanism. Honestly, everyone was better off not knowing just how integral cheese is to my emotional stability. Or at least they were until now.

Now that you’re graduating, do you feel more enlightened or just more sleep-deprived?

If by enlightened you mean “aware of my crippling caffeine addiction and chronic sleep deprivation,” then yes, I’m practically a sage. Grad school has been a personal journey of discovering just how little sleep a human can survive on while maintaining at least the illusion of productivity. I suppose I’m not enlightened so much as really, really tired. But at least now I can say I survived, which is more than I can say for my social life.

Any final words of wisdom you’d like to share?

In grad school as in life, accept the chaos, find humor in the absurd, remember that no one ever has it all figured out, and know that the only way out is through. And if all else fails? Slap a cat meme on it.