Out and Proud: Bearcats Reflect on National Coming Out Day
Written by Erin Michel, Writing and Editing GA for the Graduate School
October 11 is National Coming Out Day, a national observance centered around uplifting queer voices and providing an opportunity for people to be vocal about their LGBTQ+ identity. In honor of this holiday, we interviewed four openly queer graduate students about their experience and advice for coming out. All agreed: out or not, you are valid, and the queer community embraces you. Happy National Coming Out Day to all our LGBTQ+ Bearcats!
Gabrielle "Gabi" Nichols, she/they
Second year master's student in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies; Graduate Assistant for the LGBTQ+ Center; bisexual-identifying.
Tell me your coming out story.
I came out as bisexual on the social media sites around 2018, but I was not out to my immediate family until 2021 (so I’m pretty much a baby bi, lol). I came out to my parents in January of that year kind of as a last resort. My father was gravely ill and I wasn’t sure he was going to make it. So I didn’t want him to leave this word not knowing who I truly am. When I told them, they weren’t shocked or disapproving. They said they were waiting for me to tell them. It was funny in that moment. I held on so tightly to something I thought was a secret. But my parents didn’t care. They just wanted me to be happy.
What was challenging for you about coming out?
The most challenging thing for me was this overwhelming feeling of my parents not accepting me. I was scared they would see me differently and not love me anymore (which is something I think a lot of us fear). But I was fortunate. I know some people’s stories don’t turn out like mine did.
What has been the best part of coming out?
I don’t feel like I have to hide who I am. I can explore all parts of who I am. I am able to love every part of me.
What advice would you have for someone who wants to come out but hasn’t yet?
Coming out is a process. You may have to do it multiple times in your life but never forget you have to do it on your own terms. There is this quote I used for the Center’s Instagram last year by Dean Atta. It says: “Don’t come out unless you want to. Don’t come out for anyone else’s sake. Don’t come out because you think society expects you to. Come out for yourself. Come out to yourself. Shout, sing it. Softly stutter. Correct those who say they knew before you did. That’s not how sexuality works, it’s yours to define.”
What does it mean to you to be “out and proud?”
“Out and Proud” means being unapologetically you. Living your truth in whatever way feels good to you.
Sierra Maniates, they/them
Second year Mental Health Counseling student; non-binary and queer-identifying.
Tell me your coming out story.
I really don't have a coming out story. I think the idea of having a coming out story is very tied to a world in which queer people do the work of figuring out that they are queer in isolation. That we figure things out in our head, and then hide that process and finally share it when we are sure and it's finished. And I didn't really do that. I think especially the fact that I realized I was trans before I realized I wasn't "straight" increased this. That gender is such a process, I've been coming out in regards to gender in different ways for 10 years. I started telling people I "had a complicated relationship with gender" when I was 17, used the word "genderqueer" in a job interview when I was 20. I told my parents I was starting testosterone a few months ago. I also had a year of figuring out my sexuality, and I was pretty open with everyone in my life during that—though I do remember telling my mom "I'm for sure gay, which is good for you because having a gay kid makes you cooler."
What was challenging for you about coming out?
Coming out in terms of sexuality has been pretty consistently easy for me because most people kind of already assumed I wasn't "straight" because of my gender presentation. Coming out as trans continues to be harder mainly because people have a lot more questions and also because I use they/them pronouns. If I know someone is already pretty versed in trans related things, coming out to them is very easy. But I still feel deeply awkward telling people who maybe have never met an openly trans person about my gender identity or my pronouns so I usually just don't. I think that's one of the main thing cisgender people don't always understand about trans people, is how awkward we are about it all.
What has been the best part of coming out?
Getting to be part of queer communities is the best! Being queer is like the best ticket to being part of the best thing! I love my queer friend group and my queer partner! I also work as a counselor almost exclusively with queer clients and that's so cool! My whole life would be different and less fun if I was cis and straight or closeted. Also, a big part of coming out as trans for me has been shedding desirability politics—learning that I can be attractive when presenting masculinely, and that's been very freeing to get to look how I want and still feel cute.
What advice would you have for someone who wants to come out but hasn’t yet?
I think remembering that "coming out" doesn't have to be an event that you only do once you've figured everything out, because realistically you'll probably be figuring out your queerness forever, especially if you're trans. That it's okay, and even encouraged, to share the process with people who you trust. It's a very raw and vulnerable thing to do but it can really be very powerful and connecting.
What does it mean to you to be “out and proud?”
To me it's about cultivating queerness as a joyous experience. My queerness and transness brings me such joy and it's about sharing that with myself and with others.
Nadia Ibrahim-Taney, she/her
MS Marketing student in the Lindner College of Business and Professor of Cooperative Education in the Division of Experience-Based Learning & Career Education. Connect with me on LinkedIn!
Tell me your coming out story.
I came out in college, and even in the early 2000’s, it was a relatively easy, supportive, and welcoming experience. One of the main reasons I feel in love with higher education and working on a college/university campus is the curiosity and embrace of the divergent we as a learning community seem to undertake. From being out as a student to an administrator and now faculty, I have felt a call towards authenticity of myself, those I am surrounded by and the experiences I have in life.
What was challenging for you about coming out?
I’m a person that takes a really long time to make a decision but once I do, I’m fairly unwavering in my commitment to that decision. That was coming out for me. I made the decision to do it and never looked back. The challenge was not coming out but more so making the decision to do it in the first place.
What has been the best part of coming out?
The people! Chosen family are real, and as Queer people, we get this amazing opportunity to create our own circles of trust and love with people we choose to be part of our lives. My chosen family is everything to me. If you haven’t found yours yet, give it time, give it energy and give it love- it will come together!
What advice would you have for someone who wants to come out but hasn’t yet?
Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and stay safe. There is a nuance between anxiety based in fear versus anxiety based in nerves. If you fear coming out, don’t. If you are nervous about coming out, ask yourself- what needs to shift within me or outside of me to move through these nerves to allow me to live my truth? Know coming out is a journey, you do it every day of your life with every person you meet- so if you don’t do it today, try again tomorrow!
What does it mean to you to be “out and proud?”
The definition of what is means to be out and proud has changed as I’ve gotten older… early in my life and career, simply existing and showing up in heteronormative spaces as an outsider was a form of being out and proud. Now I’m approaching 40 years old, teaching the next generation of students and advising/mentoring the LGBTQ+ student group Pride at Lindner here at UC, so much of me being out and proud is now based around sharing my authentic self with others in hopes of aspiration or inspiration for them to do the same. Not all advocacy and action are seen in the streets. Find a way to share your uniqueness with the world that feels right to you.
Hannah Cohen, she/her
First year Mental Health Counseling Master's student; queer/lesbian-identifying.
Tell me your coming out story.
During undergrad, I told my closest friends that I was questioning my sexuality. They were very accepting and encouraging, and helped me talk out feelings and process my thoughts. About a year out of college, I told a few of my high school friends that I was identifying as queer. It felt important to let people in my life know about that part of my identity. Then, about three years out from undergrad, I told my parents that I was identifying as queer. They were very supportive and wanted to make sure I knew I did not have to be nervous to tell them about my life and identity. Recently, I have started to identify as lesbian, and when I allowed myself to accept this for myself, it felt so right. It then became really important to me to tell my friends and family because it felt like I had been searching for a label to feel right and one finally did. I told my friends and family that I was identifying as lesbian a few weeks ago actually, and I mostly wanted to convey to them how exciting this felt for me. Everyone was very supportive and excited for me and noted how happy I seemed. Coming out continues to be a process though, as I navigate feeling comfortable telling new people in my life and continue the process of accepting myself as this is a new label and worldview for me to identify with.
What was challenging for you about coming out?
The thing that was challenging for me about coming out was owning what I knew about myself. I'm 26, and only in the past couple of years taken on the label of queer for myself, and then within the past month identified as lesbian, so I've gone through the majority of my life identifying as straight and dating men. It was difficult, and sometimes continues to be, to reconcile myself with accepting that it is ok to change how I identify. Identifying as lesbian feels so right to me, and makes just so much intrinsic sense to me, but that's not how I presented, dated, or saw myself for the majority of my dating life up until this point. I'm working on accepting myself with no hesitations and being excited about what this means for myself.
What has been the best part of coming out?
The best part about coming out has been my life feeling like it makes sense and my dating and romantic future feeling really exciting. I'm excited to be dating in a way that I have never felt in the past. I used to feel dread, when now I feel excitement. The prospect of long-term partnership feels exciting too, in a way that before felt like something I would have to do. Coming out to my friends and family felt like allowing them to really understand me and convey to them the complexities of how I have felt in reference to dating and romance for many years.
What advice would you have for someone who wants to come out but hasn’t yet?
The advice I'd give is to put yourself first. It's ok to take time to feel like you've accepted yourself and feel comfortable with yourself before telling others. Also I was very lucky in the fact that my family and friends are all accepting and excited for me, and I know this is not the case for everybody. So I would say that along with putting yourself first, is keeping yourself safe, whatever that means for you. And to find community and other people who identify as queer to support you.
What does it mean to you to be “out and proud?”
Honestly, I have never quite considered this phrase, but now thinking about it, I would say it means to share my excitement for myself with my friends, family, and generally the world. It means getting to live the life I want to live publicly and with happiness. It means feeling proud of myself and the journey that has taken me here, and excited for what the future holds.